Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I want to have your abortion
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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