i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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