sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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