I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
