he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
