Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
