His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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