I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
