a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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