I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
