u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.