Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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