i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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