I want to walk on stilts...naked
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
