I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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