Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
