I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
