I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
