Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
