I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
