It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
