Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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