i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
