My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
