I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
