Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
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When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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