toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
