I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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