Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
