apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
