this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
