apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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