The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
