my phone needs a breathalizer
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
