We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
