She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
