new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My vagina just clenched in fear
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
