I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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