Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
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a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
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I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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