Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
