How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
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I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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