She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
