Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
