I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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