hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
