at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
