At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
