only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
