And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
