fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
