just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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