Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
