Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
