I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize