what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
