An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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