You smell like a Billy Joel song
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
