Your tits are I can't wait for
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
