ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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