If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
