my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
